Hey Beloved,

This is my safe space and I can be vulnerable right?

The past few weeks has been a rough ride! I have cried. I mean drooling-snot level of crying. This could be triggered by something as little as someone taking my space or as big as a letter sealing the finality of my fate. The tears are surface-level, like a water-filled balloon, needs a little prick. Then, it pours. I used to think David was exaggerating when he spoke about tears drowning him, now I know he was truly exaggerating because despite all that cry, I did not drown.

I have lost hope, then regained it. Made peace with my situation, then refused the peace because it made me appear like an arsenal fan, a little too comfortable with failing😂. This cause was so personal to me that giving up would have meant receding after making a lot of progress, all round. I don’t believe in the concept of village people as enemies of progress but what other opportunity will I get to use this meme?

I have given up, like literally, checked flight tickets and said “this is it!” With hopes that no matter how bad it gets, I am loved at home.

Then, cancelled and laughed crazily at myself. The kind of laughter that is not inspired by humour but some sort of self-soothing to prevent my mind from escaping the confines of sanity. The type that Nigerians have adapted as a coping mechanism for the horror that is being a poor, ordinary Nigerian.

There were nights I felt lost. My little problem seemed like a mighty mountain while I wandered its foothill, without a guide or map to summit the peak or at least, climb high enough to catch a glimpse of sunbeams. On one of those dusks, I stumbled on Psalm 97:5,“The mountains melt like wax before the Lord, before the Lord of all the earth.”

And you know how wonderful my Jesus is? My Bible study plan during all of this has kept me in Psalms. David was very familiar with tears, hope and God’s sovereignty and what a steady and sure comfort that has been!

The morning that sealed my fate my scheduled reading was David’s cry, “Lord, when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than l”.

I also remember listening to Tim Keller that morning and receiving the reassurance that if all else fails and I still have my Jesus, then nothing was lost. Then, I got an official confirmation of something I already knew and made peace with but the paper seemed like being trapped between a deadbolt and a dark alley. The finality of it broke me so much that I dissociated. Really, awfully.

You’d think I’d outgrown tantrums, I thought same too until one episode reminded me of my favourite toddler who’d throw himself on the floor then, as if some wave of realisation hit him, he’d, pat himself and say “stand up” in the cutest toddler-speak and round up by asking for some food😂. That has been me. Except, there’s at least a quarter century between now and the last time I was classed as a toddler.

Verse 2: You are wisdom unimagined
Who could understand Your ways
Reigning high above the Heavens
Reaching down in endless grace
You’re the lifter of the lowly
Compassionate and kind
You surround and You uphold me
And Your promises are my delight

I want to speak about my incredible faith but that would be a lie. Even the minimum requirement of a single mustard seed was missing. My only hope was that in all of this, my perspective and understanding of the goodness of God would not fade based on circumstances.

Chorus: “Your plans are still to prosper
You have not forgotten us
You’re with us in the fire and the flood
You’re faithful forever
Perfect in love
You are sovereign over us”

My father taught me that God is good even when hope fails and despair looms. God is good when evidence states otherwise. God is good when my story does not end in glory. God is good, at all times. God is good.

Have I received my testament of victory? Not yet. But like the sweet Psalmist of Isreal wrote;

“I had fainted, Unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭27‬:‭13‬ ‭KJV‬‬

I know I have wept but I haven’t fainted yet so, it counts🙈. Don’t give me the side eye. 😒If na you, you no go cry ke?

I even gaslighted Master Jesus. “If I fail, they will laugh at both of us”. As if he cares about mortal scorn. Wetin concern King Jesus with wetin pauper go talk?🙂‍↕️

I have had “Sovereign over Us” by Michael Smith on repeat. A gentle, reminder that inspired a hope in me that I am seen, I am known and I am heard and God is sovereign. That was my hugs, tissues and consolation.

You’re probably genuinely concerned and want to know why but testimony no go sweet if e never complete 🤭. So, pinkie promise, I’ll tell you first when a miracle arrives with my name on it. But please don’t ask me yet. 🥹 Bikonu🤲🏾.

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Tutu mkpong.

Your beloved through the tears and hope,

Edima, Daughter of a sovereign King.