I was enjoying a free ride in the back of a family car when I got a little too comfortable and decided to chin wag (as in, relax and feel at home inside car that does not belong to me). The conversation shifted from something I can’t recall to weddings.

Like the proverbial old woman hearing about creaky bones, I held my breath and silently hoped that they won’t remember I’m single. The sound of my heart drumming wildly against its cage drowned their voices and just as I was about to exhale slowly because it’ll be too embarrassing to have my ‘cause of death’ as ‘self-suffocation’, the 6-year old turned sharply towards me, and in the poshest Bri’ish accent, asked “When are you going to do your wedding?”

Before his parents could sush him, he had blurted it and appeared confused at their attempts to silence him. The innocence of children is actually really endearing.🥹

You see, if it were an adult, I’d cook up some faux mini-rage and pull up an epistle about minding your business (I’m kidding, I won’t. Objects in mirror are smaller than they appear. I no get liver. I only fume in silence after an event.)

But he is 6. While I do not come across as gentle and will definitely hurt and kill a fly; I would not hurt children, even slightly.

I hope to never be the reason they tame their curiosity or give up on seeking answers. Even when the question fixes a spotlight on my inadequacies. I work with children; I’m immune to embarrassment. A child once gleefully told an entire congregation about how messy my room is. It was my laundry day.

One good advice I will always remember is, humour minimises social discomfort, especially when it’s not at anyone else’s expense. I reassured him that it was alright to ask and giggled awkwardly before informing him I am husband-hunting.

This was a child and that question was perfectly okay.

Frankly, while I expect adults to know better, age does not matter as long as it’s from a place of concern and goodwill. And when it stems from malice or meddling, the boundaries are always clear.

I have come up with 10 other responses you can give to that bone-creaking question, “Yinka, where is your huzband ?”

We have evidently evolved as a society and become more socially aware, still, we live in communal culture where success is marked by visible milestones like graduation, jobs, childbirth. Why should marriage be different?

Let’s keep on track; if you’re a little uncomfortable about being spotlighted as inadequate in finding and keeping love, feel free to use my list when asked , “Sooo, where is your husband?”

1. I am husband- hunting: Gently explain that your future husband has chosen to hide in the woods and you, his heroic prospect are on a mission with a weapon to hunt him down like a deer. That leaves everyone laughing or wondering what is wrong with you. There’s no in between.
2. My husband and I are having a hard time finding each other: This works really well in a religious group where you’re expected to be found. You know, sit in silence and conjure yourself into some quiet, guileless bride (something you’re clearly not), in hopes that you’re discovered by a holy whisper.
3. My mother is not praying hard enough: Why take responsibility for something that is entirely out of your control when you have a mother to blame?
4. Weddings are expensive: Good ole escape route, blame the economy. And if they suggest you could just go to the courthouse, act stunned like they accused you of murder.
5. His mummy said no: Cook up an imaginary man and whip a story about meeting his mummy and asking for his hand in marriage and being rejected. It will garner pity. Quickly add that you both are going to ‘fight’ for your love despite his mother’s opposition. People love something to look forward to, no matter how silly. 🫠
6. I’m waiting for God’s time: You can signal your devotion to the Holy one by loudly proclaiming your allegiance and patience for his perfect will. Don’t let them know you’re swiping dating apps and screaming in horror at the quality of XY there, even when you were the one who willingly signed up to the cesspit (a reflection of your poor decision-making). And don’t also mention you’ve attended every single’s’ programme in your fellowship religiously for two years in a row.
7. My wedding is tomorrow: As the crowned queen of pleasant surprises, an impromptu wedding is not out of limits. Include it there and when tomorrow comes, what’s that thing people say? It’ll sort itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
8. Stare in pin-drop silence : Let everyone begin to feel your awkwardness too. Maintain eye contact, don’t flinch. Stare till everyone gets a portion. Say nothing for the rest of the time together.
9. Pretend to be asexual: Marriage? Me? Ermmm… I don’t think I have feelings for men. By doing that, you’d either be banished to the Convent or become a prayer point. And when you eventually get discovered and married off, everyone will have an additional reason to be thankful. PS: Don’t let them know that you indeed like men in a way that makes you giggle like a teenage girl upon beholding her crush.
10. Start crying uncontrollably : How else will you establish yourself as a drama queen? Think about everything that is going wrong in your life and unleash the pent-up emotions into a single sobbing episode. By the time they’re done dealing with the absurdity of your tears, they’ll be no follow up questions. And if there are any, cry some more.
11. Do you have someone for me? What better opportunity to get hitched than match-making? How else will you escape paying rent for yourself by yourself? A closed mouth they say don’t get fed. Ask for a husband and you shall receive what? 👌🏽 Clock it, a husband!

You read up till this point? Wow! You really believe I have answers 😂.

If you’re desiring, I hope you get one , maybe two; so you can keep one at home and proudly present the other when people ask, where is your husband?

Tutu mkpong.

Yours in husband hunting,

Edima